poem: looking at a failure

poem: looking at a failure

(226 words) July 2018

by Steven R.A. Markin

i don’t like the idea of who i am.
i can’t stand my reflection
looking back at me
with those sad eyes
that i’ve heard about
many times
from beautiful people
close
and strange.
i can’t stand the sight of my own
broken smile
unable to fake it
unable to convince me.
how many of them realize the truth?
looking at myself knowing that
each endeavour in life
that had excited me
thrilled me
that i had planned
and looked forward to
all had failed.
i learned at a young age
that plans are like lies
and adults lie,
and they are so damn convincing.
they taught me to smile.
i hate standing here
in the dim light half naked
a while past midnight
with paint on my hands
and ink on my fingertips
a sore neck and lower back,
i hate the effort i put in
all to fail.
work can be unappreciated
unappreciated is why i am alone
and single
and a failure.
well,
i wasn’t born a failure
but I had to learn and to grow
as i don’t fail in the same way
each time.
No.
i learn, but i can’t seem
to get it enough right
like them,
like the ones who have real smiles.
but i am not afraid to fail
unlike them,
at least i try
and i wouldn’t dare stop.

 


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poem: alien

poem: alien

(100 words) Originally written 3 Jan. 2018

By S.R.A Markin

i lay in my bed
staring at the wall with a blanket over my head
i wouldn’t dare look the other way
they can sense these things
i won’t get out of bed
and walk either
they will only try to grasp my ankles
and pull me under.
drapes cover my closed window
my night-light shines the corner of my room
and casts shadows elsewhere
they play tricks on me.
i lay here for most of the night
trying all kinds of ways to sleep
mom says that my friend is an alien
from the United States.

 

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poem: my [not so] little brother

poem: my [not so] little brother

(139 words) 22 Jun 2018

by S.R.A. Markin

i can’t put into words of how much you mean to me
i would say that you are my heart
you are the sweetest person i have ever met
and i have known you for 26-years
we may not have always gotten along,
nor understood one another,
but lately i have been going through something
that i couldn’t do without you
tonight you stood in the doorway
and with a stern voice
told me that i have worked too hard
to quit
that i can’t just lay down now
and stop
i need to keep trying
because if i don’t, the opportunity to show
what i am
will never happen.
you may be twice my weight and half a foot taller
but you will always be my little brother
i can’t do this without you, Evan.

thank you, buddy.

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poem: no puzzle

poem: no puzzle

(63 words) Jun 2018

by S.R.A. Markin

may i never be fully repaired
put together and whole
like a puzzle that i am not
there is no straight edges and corner pieces
to begin with
you can’t organize by colours
or look at a reference,
i am not complex nor even simple
i just am, but i am no puzzle
to figure out,
either you get me
or you don’t.

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poem: doctors appointment

poem: doctors appointment

(115 words) 20 Jun 2018

by S.R.A. Markin

i wipe the rain from off my glasses
rubbing in the smudge from my face until it is gone
i sit in the back of the doctor’s waiting room
i had to update my address; it has been so long
mom used to take me here for ear infections and check-ups
i remember once running away because the doctor had to touch me
mom still frequents the doctor’s office
i sit alone
with Bukowski in my bag
a journal and a pen
cookies
and an egg bagel that soaks through the plastic wrap
the smudge on my lens, bothers me
the news playing, bothers me
but no one talks to me
and that bothers me.

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poem: an abandoned wolf

poem: an abandoned wolf

(123 words) written winter 2018

by S.R.A. Markin

an abandoned wolf in a cage
unprotected from the weathering storms
which violently project every single day
chilling nights, obsessions in the rain
physical exertions within the confinements
lessening atrophy, and impeding menacing mental deterioration
studying the movements of passersby
off in the distance, they hear faint howls and cries
but no one bothers to come near
but the wolf is patient, a necessity
for one day the bars will rust
and he will break through
there will be no redemption
for the wolf, he only knew
that at one quick moment,
they will regain sight
and look past his wounded eyes
deep into his blackened soul
they will remember what he was like
and question why they had ever let him go.

 

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poem: she came back

poem: she came back

(130 words) 20 June 2018

by S.R.A. Markin

and why am i here? have you forgotten about me,
is that it
have i meant nothing to you? i wish you were here
if i have ever needed you, now is the time
i push myself upwards and slouch over
my body hangs like a broken piece of string held by two fingers
you put her in my life
she came back. twice
she could have walked away for good, but no
she came back
she fed me when i needed to eat
she sheltered me when i needed protection
and now gone, and i am empty, cold, and broken
i lay here useless. one who can’t walk,
can’t fight,
can’t –
i can’t even love. or can i
is that what this is
love
this life is hell.

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