poem: looking at a failure

(226 words) July 2018

by Steven R.A. Markin

i don’t like the idea of who i am.
i can’t stand my reflection
looking back at me
with those sad eyes
that i’ve heard about
many times
from beautiful people
and strange.
i can’t stand the sight of my own
broken smile
unable to fake it
unable to convince me.
how many of them realize the truth?
looking at myself knowing that
each endeavour in life
that had excited me
thrilled me
that i had planned
and looked forward to
all had failed.
i learned at a young age
that plans are like lies
and adults lie,
and they are so damn convincing.
they taught me to smile.
i hate standing here
in the dim light half naked
a while past midnight
with paint on my hands
and ink on my fingertips
a sore neck and lower back,
i hate the effort i put in
all to fail.
work can be unappreciated
unappreciated is why i am alone
and single
and a failure.
i wasn’t born a failure
but I had to learn and to grow
as i don’t fail in the same way
each time.
i learn, but i can’t seem
to get it enough right
like them,
like the ones who have real smiles.
but i am not afraid to fail
unlike them,
at least i try
and i wouldn’t dare stop.


My acrylic paintings for sale


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