Flash Fiction: Brain Gains

(824 Words) 5 March 2018

By S.R.A. Markin

“I don’t care. I am not going to workout every single day. I am sitting at my desk, and I am doing my work,” he said. “Today is my rest day.”
“But we are required to workout. It is Chest day. You can’t just stop that is unsociable. Our bodies need to be continuously attended to every day with weights,” I said. “The Bit is not going to react kindly to this. We need our gains.”
“I took the Bit off. Mine was defective anyway. I will get my gains through reading and writing.”
“You did what? Please tell me you are joking,” I said forcing a laugh. “How did you – and why would you read? How did you even manage to take it off? Nevermind. Forget I am asking. I don’t want to know. This is highly irresponsible. Writing? Really?”
“Oh relax,” he said reclining in his chair at his desk.
The man is in great shape, and he has been my friend for the past ten years. My training partner actually, so that makes us great friends, up until now. I can hardly stand to look at him. He is going to lose what is most important, what is socially acceptable.
“Okay, you know what, I get it now. That is hilarious, but we have to get going if we are going to make it to the gym,” I said. “We have to get a bench.”
I walk over to the counter and crack into the vanilla iso-protein. It was on sale for $200 CDN for 4-scoops. I couldn’t imagine skipping out on this deal. I filled the container with premium Canadian Glacier water (to avoid all the estrogen contaminated water). Shook it, and drank it down for a low-carb, pure anabolic muscle surging pre-workout snack. I can feel the gains. Then I crossed an X on the calendar: right over International Chest and Bicep day: Bro Day. I still can’t believe it took until 2021 to change the days of the week to bodybuilding splits. My birthday is in four days on Shoulders and Arms day. I can’t wait. The best day, besides today, if Bro wasn’t being a dick and pretending to rest. Oh yeah, I will be turning 25-years-old, which is pretty amazing that my testosterone levels are still elevated high enough at such an old age to get gains.
I almost forgot to like people’s Instagram photos before I leave. Okay. I will turn on my Bit, scroll down, double-click. Some crazy physiques and butts. I can’t wait for Humpday; although, I don’t think I will train legs again this month. That was too much for me; besides, I think more Bicep days is best.
“Are you sure you aren’t coming, Bro?” I said. I look around the corner, and he has his face in a book. It isn’t even a mag? “Whatever Leg day did to you last month, I am sorry we trained them. I have my Bit on step mode, and I need my 10,000 steps, and I am only at 600. I need the couple more to the car and from the car into the gym, Bro.”
“Do you mind keeping it down.”
“Seriously, what are you doing with that book?”
“It is one of Huxley’s best works, and what I am doing is getting brain reps. Maybe that you will understand?” he said.
“Like curls?”
“Yes. I am curling to provide hypertrophy for the cellular integrity of my brain.”
“Bro, you should have told me. Give me that book.” I slammed the book into my head for a rep. “One.” I slammed it again. “Two,” I said. “How many again for muscle gains? Is it 12?”
“Yes, twelve.”
“Three. Four. Five.”
“Make sure you get the right amount of sets and feel free to do it in the kitchen so you can get your protein in right away during the anabolic window.”
“Oh, yeah. Six. Seven.”
“Oh and Bro?” he said.
“Yeah, Bro? Eight. Nine.”
“Remember to flex your brain muscles in between sets. You have to get the muscle surged with blood.”
“Ten. Eleven. You are so smart, Bro. Twelve.”
I flexed my brain muscles as hard as I could. I knew I was doing it right because my ears popped, and I got four more steps on my Bit. Oh shoot, I better get my scoops in before I can’t get my brain gains in. I drank the last of my iso-protein. I will have to finish my brain curls tonight. I love two-a-days.
“I can feel the gains,” I said.
I couldn’t hear him. He must have closed the door when I left the room. I almost forgot I have to get to the supplement store before I get my bench. Good thing I took out $600. Now I can get a serious pump.