(686 words) 10 Feb 2018
By S.R.A. Markin
I went to counseling today, and I was told that I could breach the confidentiality and post it online. The counselor also said that she wouldn’t say hi to me when we pass in the hallways unless I say it first. So I guess she won’t be saying hi.
I was asked what brings me in. I said that I am sad. I almost laughed afterward because it sounds pathetic, but I didn’t want to say that I am depressed. If I were depressed (which is a serious mental issue) I wouldn’t even seek help no matter how much I needed it (I stayed indoors for almost three years – my dad says longer).
Whenever I played with my ring or bracelet, she would tentatively watch, so I picked the appropriate times to fidget, wondering if she would comment. And she did. Apparently talking about relationships make me anxious. Who knew?
I assume counselors want something to work with, you know, damaged goods. She asked me if I have witnessed anything traumatic in my life. I said I picked my mom up twice after her ODs, and I have witnessed my mom’s epileptic seizure as a young boy (while alone with her. I had no idea what was happening and yet I removed all harmful objects and put her on her side to seize). Also, my dad knocked himself out cracking his head on Christmas Eve. while skating (again, I was the first to attend – I thought he was playing a game because he was snoring – I was young), so maybe? When I told her that I have been in three car accidents, she seemed more fascinated in that I refuse to drive (like I am terrified to drive and I wasn’t driving in any of them) than me saving my mother’s life. I also told her I was bulimic in my teenage years because I was obese and bullied daily, among other things that I do not need to post (suicidal thoughts?). I sat calmly nonchalantly spewing to some hippy looking lady (with glasses I couldn’t stop judging) shit about myself. (Her glasses looked like cardboard was cut out and spray painted teal.) She didn’t seem too fond that I have overcome most of my adversities. She wanted to know what is wrong with me. I don’t drink, and I don’t do drugs, I eat well, I sleep well, I exercise regularly, I am polite, I am an honors student, blah blah. But, I did need someone whom I have no attachment towards to sit there while I talk. I needed to talk.
And I do have to say this, I am proud of myself. Years ago, I walked out on a counselor after she asked me why I am like my father. I told her to go fuck herself, which I know isn’t responsible, and I love my dad, but I was in an unhealthy place in life. And just like the one before, I didn’t get much from this counselor either. She told me to stop talking to my best friend because we broke up and can’t be friends (which seems judgmental in less than an hour session). And I tried it, but then I called Erin later that night to see how she is. (She hurts too, and I am entitled to being a friend.)
The meeting did give me some good things: directing me towards meditation downloads on a website, and school peer workshops, such as Mindfulness, Happiness and Resilience, Managing Anxiety and Worry (which my brother said he needs) and something about Sleep (we all need!). I will be attending some workshops. I owe this to myself (and I would love to be able to help someone else – even if it were by just listening to them). I am scared shitless to talk to people, but talking makes a difference. Talking has saved my life.
Even if you are sad, tell someone you are sad. It is a start to something that can go a long way. And if someone tells you they are sad, listen.