(438 words) 13 Jan. 2018
By S.R.A. Markin
I have had some trouble thinking about what to write for this blog series. This week was the first week of my 8th semester in university, and I have been finding it very difficult. Although I have attended all my classes so far, and I have listened and taken notes (I often don’t make many notes), I have had this intense feeling of not fitting in with my peers, and not wanting to be in school. I have sat in the back, or off to the side in the classrooms, and hidden away on the third floor on campus whenever possible.
As for the school books, I have found these difficult to purchase because I am unsure how much longer I would like to continue this endeavor (and yes, I am close to finishing my degree and minor).
I have had plenty of time to hang out with my girlfriend because our schedules allow for us to work out and eat lunch together. Unfortunately, I have been unkind to her, and we have been fighting and trying to figure things out. (I am thankful for you.)
This week has been rough because of me. My perception has changed. Maybe all the stress has caught up with me, and I have not responded well.
The satisfaction of being a student has been predominant for me over the last 7-or-so-years. I am a high school drop-out, and there is no post-secondary schooling at the university level on my mother’s side (although my sister has a diploma!). I went back to college (in 2011), starting from grade 10 material, making the honor’s role throughout all of the terms and completing diplomas in Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics, and English while working. I received three awards during my time there. I then worked for almost two years as a manager before being accepted into university. Here, I have been on the honor’s role (Dean’s List) throughout each term, and I have won one award. I have done pretty well for someone who has had a teacher write in his Jr. High yearbook that “Steven sleeps in class, and thankfully he doesn’t snore.” Too bad I threw out my yearbooks.
The point is, I need to care again. This outlook is unfair to me, and especially to my loving girlfriend who has had to deal with me. She tells me to enjoy life, to enjoy school, the gym, writing, and everything else (thank you, love). And you are right. I do need to enjoy life again because giving up is something I have done before. I don’t mind failing, but fuck giving up.
Thank you for reading.